I must be nuts.

Ok, so I know I'm superstitious and whatnot, and that its not always real, but sometimes the universe just speaks to me. I'm very in-tune with things, my body for example-- if I concentrate hard enough I can feel the blood pumping through my viens among other body functions that just arent normal.  creepy, yes. had it totally freaked me out in the past, yes. am I used to it now, yes. (Dr.'s have told me I'm in-tune w/my body also, so I know I'm not crazy about that part.) lol my point is that I try to channel that toward other things in my life. Whether it works or not, I try to trust my instincts bc they tend to put me on the right path. (trust me I've been fighting certain instincts for a long time but I have good reason to fight too).

Ok, so my reason for writing this blog is my horoscope this morning. Its my last day of class w/the eye candy guy. I've gotten some weird vibes from him, (and I dont wanna get into other details right now.. but its just weird. in a good way--if I werent married.) He has the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen, but I cant tell him that w/out sounding completely crazy, or like I'm coming on to him. So, I just keep my mouth shut, stare at him when possible, and we chat a little. thats it. no harm done... except when I daydream. but at least its not real and I've never tried to make anything happen, nor would I. So here's what my horoscope said today:

Dreams and fantasies will take up your mental and emotional attention, and you won't be upset by that. You may, however, be amazed that the person you're attracted to is equally willing to dream right along with you.

Wow. last day of class w/him and I'm told (if thats who this references) that he'll dream about me as welll??? whats that about!? now I'm going to be super excited to see him, and super nervous once I do. lol thats how it goes. So, as you can imagine, I am totally anticipating class tonight!!! I cant wait to see him and find out if anything will happen. I need to know how he feels, if that makes any sense. I feel like I always get so wrapped up in this kind of thing, I know there's something, I'm not crazy, but then I wonder if I am bc nothing comes of it and unless the person tells me straight up, I dont believe that they could like me. Usually I feel that they are out of my league, too good for me, or I'm not good enough for them. I'm coming to realize that I should never worry about that  bc I wouldnt really know that until I got to know the person. Well, I have no way of getting to know this one, so I will just have to live w/the thoughts of 'what if'.

And, who knows, There's always a chance that things work in  a way that I will run into him again if I ever am no longer wed. but I'm not trying to root that way. Just letting the universe take its course and trying my best to make things work w/what I have. I do care about and love the man in my life, and we have 2 beautiful and amazing kids, so Its 100% worth putting in all the effort I have remaining. Hopefully its enough, but I am only human. :)




2 WEEKS LATER:
hahaha I saw him again. and will hopefully see him every monday night even though we're not in the same class. we will have break at the same time at the other building at school. I'm so excited. lol he and another guy from our class last term came over and sat with me and another girl from that same class. I hope that continues! :) gotta get going now though.

stress the first day of class!

So, yesterday was the first day of my spring classes and I"m already freaking out about how much work I have ahead of me. It's gonna be a rough 6 to 10 weeks. I have only 6 weeks left to finish my program online... which sucks bc I have so much left to do. Basically I will have no life until that is completed. Only doing the fun things I cant get out of like Easter this weekend. I might even have to skip egg coloring on Sat just to have some alone time at the house to get some done. which is ok.... if it means getting it done and opening up my summer to have just Baker classes, I'll bite. its tough right now bc my hubby is driving me nuts. we have a bedroom torn apart still, working on that project as well.... and I have a couple weeks to get my Aunts wedding pictures in an album for her. That was a lot of fun though. Spring break was fun, I enjoyed myself but I needed to get more penn foster done. I should have focused on that a little more, but oh well. What's done is done and I cant go back in time, otherwise I would go back and already have this stupid online thing finished!!! I'm mad at myself bc I'm gonna hate doing the transcribing once I'm done w/the school part. I'm just not a medical person, I cant always understand the medical words dictated bc I dont have the terminology memorized and I'm in a pickle to try to learn anything really in depth bc I need to just get the exams turned in at this point!

OK.... I need to move on from the rant of my stupid program I hate... so The hubby... another annoying subject. He's driving me mad lately. we dont fight as much, but he has such a short temper of late and the only reason we arent fighting more is bc I keep my mouth shut. I'm so tired of his outbursts, its kinda ridiculus. He snapped at me about one drop of grease that got on his coat in the car... kids with us and all. I'm so tired of him acting like he's perfect when in fact he has some major issues that he just doesnt take care of himself. we just got home sunday night from being at my parents for almost a week. I had classes and went grocery shopping yesterday, busy busy.... what did he do? his OWN laundry, and only unloaded the dishwasher bc I asked him to. the rest of the house... still a mess... did he work on putting our room back together? no, did he actually play with the kids while I was gone? Most likely not by what I saw... I'm so ready to throw out or at least hide all of his video games. they are the end of us. seriously, I normally dont mind him playing but when he knows I'm crazy busy and just sits around all day not accomplishing anything, I'm at my wits end about it.

ok got distracted by a kid... over that rant.
I'm excited and nervous about my classes this term. cant wait for the challenge of the projects and whatnot, just nervous that I wont have the time and engery I would like to put into them.

ok, I already feel behind today, I gotta get started on my to-do list. I'll finish ranting another time. Enjoy!

Something New...

Ok so ever since I left Carters this past Sat I feel like its a brand new beginning. I miss not seeing the people I work with, but I dont miss working! I've had a great first week of it! I feel like I've accomplished so much already, and am setting myself up for success! :)

1. we got our taxes done! and it only took 1 day with very little fighting compared to normal. lol And we are getting back more than Brian said we were prolly gonna get, so thats always nice! lol
2. I've organized a few things that were in dire need of it! my closet (not all done, but a good start), and I had piles of paperwork to go through on my nightstand... finally went through and it looks brand new too!
3. I'm starting my workout (getting in shape and toning up!!) Started w/The Wii fit and doing some kinect.
4. Kids learning time first day was a little rough, but its gonna take some time for the kids and myself to get used to it. and I have high hopes that it will help eventually! I'm still finding out what works for each kid. Wesley is difficult bc he doesnt talk to me and has very little patience. I kinda worry that he'll have ADD or ADHD, but I think its too young to tell, so I'll just work with him and see how it goes!
5. I've gotten a good start and a plan made for Penn Foster (my online transcribing program)! I know I can do this, I'm almost done. Its just a matter of getting through it. and right now the transcribing takes a little time for me bc I havent memorized the terminology so that slows me down...

Overall things look like they are going my way... Of course I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. things dont stay good for too long, but I'll enjoy it while I can and keep my eyes peeled for anything I need to step up and handle. Taking it one day at a time towards my future goals!

Last weekend of craziness

So, as per my usual of late, I am confused and not sure which direction I'm headed. Yesterday was my son's b-day. I woke up and spent a short amount of time w/him, he opened his gift and whatnot before I had class (9-1). I dont really know what the hubs did w/the kids while I was gone, but we had lunch then nap time when I got home. and by nap time I mean all 4 of us slept till 4pm. kid or adult went to bed between 1-2pm. yeah, I guess we were all pretty tired. So, when we got up we skyped w/my parents and that was really cool. My daughter read a book to them!! Its always nice to see them, even if only on skype. so the hubby had gotten on his game, which sorta made me mad, until it pissed me off. He had already been a jerk to Sophia and told her she wasnt eating the rest of the day(at lunch) then wants me to sneak her food... well your just feeding the idea that mommy will let her get away w/stuff. Great job, making me look like a softy when I'm trying to get tougher... anyway, I was trying to figure out what to do for Wesley's b-day dinner. After much debate, and fighting, I ended up taking the kids by myself to McD's. I got Wes a happy meal and he got a Star Wars spin top toy. I thought it funny that it happened to be Star Wars! I was upset bc he was a punk about the whole thing. He wouldnt come w/me bc he didnt want to "know" that Sophia was getting food even though he told me to give her food bc he knew better and she needed it. She had been sick yesterday (threw up at least twice). anyway, just little things and how we raise the kids that are so different that makes me wonder if we can work this out....

So after the kids went to bed, Brian had been raiding(or at least on his game the whole time) and I got my planning done. So I tried to see what he wanted to do: watch a movie, show or something else. what does he suggest of me? "Or, I can read my book, you can get homework done." were his words. "you could work on Penn Foster." I just wanted to be like "Bitch, get off it, I know I have shit to do but that doesnt mean I have to work my ass off every min of every day per your request." A girl needs her down time, the chance to relax in the evening. I talked him into a movie (Old School). but then he kept me up till almost 2am... yelled at me about wearing my coat to go out in the wind saying that I'm missing the whole point of going out in the strong winds. well sorry that I'm cold enough and cant risk getting sick so I enjoyed going out in the wind, but its way too cold on the 2nd of March to go out at like 11:30pm w/out a coat. sorry I'm a little practical still.

Its when he starts wanting to change everything about me that I get frustrated. Whether it's my eating habits, other habits(dont get me started on farming--I do believe that he got more and is hiding it from me. really? I mean doesnt that look like your the one addicted dear? when Im the one accused and he's the one sneaking around to do it...), or sexual habits. nothing about me is what he wants. How do I do that? how do I try to keep who I am and make all these changes to make him happy? I know sometimes you have to compromise, but I feel like this is all one way and I'm tired of trying and putting forth effort when I see no change or worse changes in him.

BUT this is my last crazy weekend before my "freedom." and all I mean by that is my schedule of where I need to be is going to allow me the time to do the things I've wanted to, or needed to get done. I feel empowered to get things done, but I'm brought down by his actions and words sometimes.

anyway, today I have to work, as a favor, from 10 to 4, then I'm running all my errands and getting stuff ready for the party tomorrow. after the party tomorrow I will be able to start on my new routine and hopefully see some improvements in my life. Here's hoping for a fresh start!

3 more days...

Well, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really anxious about only having 3 days left of work. Especially after last night. Things felt so awkward between the hubby and I. He left Friday when I got home from school to go help his friend move. So I was able to let him stay overnight and get in a little guy time. but then he over did it and stayed friday and saturday nights and wasn't able to be home in time for me to go to work on Sunday, so I had to ask my girlfriend who watched them on sat to come watch them again. I need to take her out to lunch or something now. lol I'm really scared that how bad things are now, they will only get worse. I dont know how to act around him. Especially after having an awesome weekend w/out him. I felt accomplished, had fun w/my kids, got my work, hw, and some cleaning/laundry done. plus had me time at night. I hate to say this but I want that. I want that freedom to do what I want and not have to wait to get stuff done till he wakes up in the morning, or having to keep the kids quiet bc he's sleeping, or waiting around till he's done raiding to watch a show or movie bc he said he wanted to then it takes him 30-40 mins after telling me he was done on the computer for us to hang out(last night). I'm tired of waiting on him. I'm a get up and get at it kind of person, I have daily goals and things to get done, I'm tired of feeling held back by him. I feel like everything I say is stupid to him. and thats bc its how he makes me feel, like he's a know-it-all and I dont know shit. I ask a question and he makes me feel stupid for not knowing the answer. Hasn't he ever heard of the saying 'there's no such thing as a stupid question?'

I feel like the only things that seem important to him are money, sex, good looks, and how much useless knowledge you have. I've always been the kind of person to learn something and only remember the basics of it if I dont use the knowledge on a regular basis. That doesn't make me stupid, that means I have to dig a little harder to remember something and I'd rather just ask bc I know I know it, just cant think of it. That's the case most of the time. or I've never heard of something and am oblivious. I dont ever pretend to know everything, but I know what comes out of my mouth. I am sooooo sick and tired of hearing 'yes, thats what you just said!' when no, sorry you must have misheard or misunderstood me bc this is what I said.... and its so similar yet different enough to have a different meaning. example: I looked at a picture of the view from his friends new place, there was a swing on  a tree in the middle of the photo, but bc of the snowy background I hadn't seen it the first time I saw it. so I said 'wow, I didn't notice the swing before' and apparently there was a whole swing set on the edge of the picture (that I still hadn't seen) and he thought that I said swing set. ONE WORD.  he heard one extra word and it changed what we were talking about and insisted that he was right, thats what I said. every time I open my mouth he hears me wrong and he has to be right. We bicker over the littlest, stupidest things and it drives me crazy. He always asks why I'm so defensive... well I figured it out. its bc he's always accusing me that I'm wrong. I guess its how I'm sticking up for myself. I dont do that nearly enough either bc I'm so tired of the fighting I just give in most the time. I just sit, stare and listen to him rant....

 Anyway... I'm tired of having the hubby around all the time. I need him to get out of the house and do something productive. Maybe some miracle will happen and he'll get a part-time job. but I already see that not happening. He's too lazy and figures since he's already the one making the money he shouldn't have to work. I'm hoping to talk him into getting a membership at YMCA or something. just to get him out and about once in awhile. But again, we'll have to see. Now my girlfriend Mary is all about working out together, not just w/me, but weight-lifting w/my hubby too. and no, it doesn't bother me that much. Only thing that makes me worried is that they get along really well, and if she dropped a lot of weight and started looking good, he might be interested. but he told me that if she started looking good he wouldn't workout w/her anymore. so at least I know he wants to be faithful.

My glass of wine.

Ok, so being called an addict totally got to me last night. Granted, I was already messed up a bit, but it still bothers me today. So what happened was my hubby screwed up. He doesnt think twice before making decisions that could effect me. I only have 4 more days of work and he cant even be patient till then. He got himself stuck downriver w/out his car(he left it at his buddy's new place in Farmington hills) because he had been drinking and "farming" (sorry for the worst reference ever, but I will explain it in person @Danielle) and didnt want to drive. which, yes, is responsible, and I'm happy he didnt drive, but he now doesnt have a ride to his car until later in the day and I have to work 2-7. I try to be nice and give him some freedom, let him go help his friend move and hang w/the guys for a couple nights, and then I'm stuck in the real world w/the kids and finding a sitter so I can go to work. Guess there's really a chance this might be my life, but still. we havent made that decision yet and its bullshit that I'm always cleaning up his messes. anyway, he did feel really bad bc he knew he messed up by not checking in before leaving his car and I told him I would just have to call Mary again to come babysit if he wasnt gonna be home in time.

so, another quick back story to get to the addict part of the night: recently the hubby said he wants us to stop farming. He tells me this w/hardly any left and I'm not ready. gonna be dealing w/stopping cigs bc he doesnt know about them either. but I'm finally ready to quit those. I know its still a situational reason for me to stop, but at least I feel better about doing it. I want to now. So, I was looking forward to farming, especially over spring break.

So, since he was staying downriver an extra night, I asked if he'd be willing to get just a little bit more for us. And I was NOT trying to use it as a bribe, I was simply asking bc I wanted more. But, he took it as I was saying "hey, your off the hook if you can get me hooked up." When no, I didnt mean it that way. I was going to call Mary and cover his ass in case he wasnt home either way. It was a question, honest, simple question. I'm tired of him trying to change my lifestyle every other day when I feel he's the one who needs to make some changes!! GRR I'm working(for 4 more days), go to school full-time and have an online school program. PLUS, he still wants me to spend any free time w/the kids, clean house, do laundry, remember to pay bills, make phone calls, etc. What does he do then you might ask? If he expects so much from me, he must be pretty busy himself, right? NOPE. he's the stay-at-home Dad. he cleans up the house a little bit sometimes, never cleans a bathroom or the floors though, and the last time I saw him do laundry was only because I already started it and asked him to switch loads for me. He plays w/the kids. thats what he does. and even then if he's having a bad day, so is everyone else. He doesnt work, he doesnt go to school, he doesnt do side projects that keep him busy, no, he's a gamer who's addicted. who has PTSD and cant sleep half the time, who has anger management problems and apparently thinks I have a problem.

So, I called Mary and asked her about watching the kids and she of course said she could do it, but then I jokingly was like, hey he's gonna get me some farm stuff in return for me having to get a sitter bc he's not responsible enough to make good decisions. and she called me an addict. the main reason it pissed me off was bc she's never made it seem like it was a problem before, and it didnt sound like she was joking. Although I was messed up (as I said earlier) so I might have misunderstood, but I doubt it. So, now I dont know if she's mad at me or not, but I'll end up seeing her today so I'll prolly explain the rest of it wasnt my idea to make it a bribe, he's the one who said it that way.

Then when I called hubby back and told him what she said and that it kinda upset me, he was like, well you might be, but we'll talk about that later. ok great thanks, that doesnt make me feel better ya know. So, I want to get it out there how I feel about farming, the reason I do it and why I dont think I'm an addict:

I dont farm all day long. I'm straight all day, I've been super good about keeping up w/my schoolwork, making time for my kids, spending time w/the hubby(when we're not fighting), and still farming at night. I'm gonna have a little more free time bc I'm no longer working in 4 days, I'm getting my shit together to try and make things better w/the hubby and I. I'm planning a workout schedule, a kids learning time w/mommy schedule on top of both schools still for when I'm done working(so starting next week). Some people come home and like to have a glass of wine every night, and nobody says shit to them. Well, farming is MY glass of wine. Its what I like to do to relax in the evening, after the kids go to bed, and after I've got my shit done for the day. I want to farm and relax. How, please explain, how that makes me an addict? is every person in the world who has a glass of wine or a beer on a nightly basis an alcoholic? does it mean they have a problem? I dont think so. I like to farm to relax, and on weekends or w/friends, I like to farm to have fun. Its that simple. I dont think I'm an addict, I just dont want to give up my glass of wine at night.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Enjoy!

just thoughts...

I seriously need to do some thinking. I cant even understand my own feelings lately. My mood swings are so out of whack. I think I"m depressed. I feel lonely, kinda scared about my future, sad about quitting my job, but happy about quitting my job at the same time. I'm afraid the pressure of the next year set in also. Just so much going on that its hard to keep everything straight. I actually want to see a doctor, but I have no insurance, so I cant. About a week or 2 ago I had a really scary thing happen while I was at work. I checked my symptoms online and I think I had a mini-stroke, possibly not my first one. I'm trying really hard not to dwell on it, but there could be side effects and I feel like something is wrong. but I keep telling myself that I'm just stressed and need to take a chill pill, not go see a doctor. lol

So, for now I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I have one week left of work and I"m really hoping that once I'm done I'll start to feel more like myself again. Well, thats banking on the fact that I get more time for myself and I can figure out who I am and what I want in life.

There are 3 things I'm sure of: I want to be happy. I want my Interior Design Degree. and I want to give my kids the world(or at least everything they need & I want their happiness). But the point is I dont know where Brian and I stand in it all. I feel like we are going 2 different directions, we dont connect anymore, and we have a hard time communicating in general. how is that a marriage? I really dont know what to do, who to talk to, what to say when I do talk to people, or what I want. I feel selfish if we dont stay together, and I want whats best for my kids. I've always been told that its always better for the parents to be together, right? well not so much anymore. Times have changed. I guess I'm just jealous of what my parents have, true love. they have been by each other's side through everything. no matter what they've worked through the hard things--together. Brian and I cant even do one project around the house w/out fighting, or drive more than 30 mins w/out him getting upset at something(the way I drive, or not getting him directions the way he wants me to). Its stupid little things that get in the way of our happiness. But then, its the little things that count, right? and if the little things in life suck, whats the point? move on, be happy? but is that really the best option? I'm so afraid to be alone the rest of my life. I'm afraid I wont trust anyone again. and then when I do, it'll be yet again the wrong choice.

Why does life have to be so complicated? I like someone's status I saw the other day: 'why doesnt life come with directions?'   Its so true and I'm really feeling that way right now. well, getting yelled at about not spending time w/my child so I guess thats all for now...