just thoughts...

I seriously need to do some thinking. I cant even understand my own feelings lately. My mood swings are so out of whack. I think I"m depressed. I feel lonely, kinda scared about my future, sad about quitting my job, but happy about quitting my job at the same time. I'm afraid the pressure of the next year set in also. Just so much going on that its hard to keep everything straight. I actually want to see a doctor, but I have no insurance, so I cant. About a week or 2 ago I had a really scary thing happen while I was at work. I checked my symptoms online and I think I had a mini-stroke, possibly not my first one. I'm trying really hard not to dwell on it, but there could be side effects and I feel like something is wrong. but I keep telling myself that I'm just stressed and need to take a chill pill, not go see a doctor. lol

So, for now I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I have one week left of work and I"m really hoping that once I'm done I'll start to feel more like myself again. Well, thats banking on the fact that I get more time for myself and I can figure out who I am and what I want in life.

There are 3 things I'm sure of: I want to be happy. I want my Interior Design Degree. and I want to give my kids the world(or at least everything they need & I want their happiness). But the point is I dont know where Brian and I stand in it all. I feel like we are going 2 different directions, we dont connect anymore, and we have a hard time communicating in general. how is that a marriage? I really dont know what to do, who to talk to, what to say when I do talk to people, or what I want. I feel selfish if we dont stay together, and I want whats best for my kids. I've always been told that its always better for the parents to be together, right? well not so much anymore. Times have changed. I guess I'm just jealous of what my parents have, true love. they have been by each other's side through everything. no matter what they've worked through the hard things--together. Brian and I cant even do one project around the house w/out fighting, or drive more than 30 mins w/out him getting upset at something(the way I drive, or not getting him directions the way he wants me to). Its stupid little things that get in the way of our happiness. But then, its the little things that count, right? and if the little things in life suck, whats the point? move on, be happy? but is that really the best option? I'm so afraid to be alone the rest of my life. I'm afraid I wont trust anyone again. and then when I do, it'll be yet again the wrong choice.

Why does life have to be so complicated? I like someone's status I saw the other day: 'why doesnt life come with directions?'   Its so true and I'm really feeling that way right now. well, getting yelled at about not spending time w/my child so I guess thats all for now...