Well, I'm not gonna lie, I'm really anxious about only having 3 days left of work. Especially after last night. Things felt so awkward between the hubby and I. He left Friday when I got home from school to go help his friend move. So I was able to let him stay overnight and get in a little guy time. but then he over did it and stayed friday and saturday nights and wasn't able to be home in time for me to go to work on Sunday, so I had to ask my girlfriend who watched them on sat to come watch them again. I need to take her out to lunch or something now. lol I'm really scared that how bad things are now, they will only get worse. I dont know how to act around him. Especially after having an awesome weekend w/out him. I felt accomplished, had fun w/my kids, got my work, hw, and some cleaning/laundry done. plus had me time at night. I hate to say this but I want that. I want that freedom to do what I want and not have to wait to get stuff done till he wakes up in the morning, or having to keep the kids quiet bc he's sleeping, or waiting around till he's done raiding to watch a show or movie bc he said he wanted to then it takes him 30-40 mins after telling me he was done on the computer for us to hang out(last night). I'm tired of waiting on him. I'm a get up and get at it kind of person, I have daily goals and things to get done, I'm tired of feeling held back by him. I feel like everything I say is stupid to him. and thats bc its how he makes me feel, like he's a know-it-all and I dont know shit. I ask a question and he makes me feel stupid for not knowing the answer. Hasn't he ever heard of the saying 'there's no such thing as a stupid question?'
I feel like the only things that seem important to him are money, sex, good looks, and how much useless knowledge you have. I've always been the kind of person to learn something and only remember the basics of it if I dont use the knowledge on a regular basis. That doesn't make me stupid, that means I have to dig a little harder to remember something and I'd rather just ask bc I know I know it, just cant think of it. That's the case most of the time. or I've never heard of something and am oblivious. I dont ever pretend to know everything, but I know what comes out of my mouth. I am sooooo sick and tired of hearing 'yes, thats what you just said!' when no, sorry you must have misheard or misunderstood me bc this is what I said.... and its so similar yet different enough to have a different meaning. example: I looked at a picture of the view from his friends new place, there was a swing on a tree in the middle of the photo, but bc of the snowy background I hadn't seen it the first time I saw it. so I said 'wow, I didn't notice the swing before' and apparently there was a whole swing set on the edge of the picture (that I still hadn't seen) and he thought that I said swing set. ONE WORD. he heard one extra word and it changed what we were talking about and insisted that he was right, thats what I said. every time I open my mouth he hears me wrong and he has to be right. We bicker over the littlest, stupidest things and it drives me crazy. He always asks why I'm so defensive... well I figured it out. its bc he's always accusing me that I'm wrong. I guess its how I'm sticking up for myself. I dont do that nearly enough either bc I'm so tired of the fighting I just give in most the time. I just sit, stare and listen to him rant....
Anyway... I'm tired of having the hubby around all the time. I need him to get out of the house and do something productive. Maybe some miracle will happen and he'll get a part-time job. but I already see that not happening. He's too lazy and figures since he's already the one making the money he shouldn't have to work. I'm hoping to talk him into getting a membership at YMCA or something. just to get him out and about once in awhile. But again, we'll have to see. Now my girlfriend Mary is all about working out together, not just w/me, but weight-lifting w/my hubby too. and no, it doesn't bother me that much. Only thing that makes me worried is that they get along really well, and if she dropped a lot of weight and started looking good, he might be interested. but he told me that if she started looking good he wouldn't workout w/her anymore. so at least I know he wants to be faithful.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
My glass of wine.
Ok, so being called an addict totally got to me last night. Granted, I was already messed up a bit, but it still bothers me today. So what happened was my hubby screwed up. He doesnt think twice before making decisions that could effect me. I only have 4 more days of work and he cant even be patient till then. He got himself stuck downriver w/out his car(he left it at his buddy's new place in Farmington hills) because he had been drinking and "farming" (sorry for the worst reference ever, but I will explain it in person @Danielle) and didnt want to drive. which, yes, is responsible, and I'm happy he didnt drive, but he now doesnt have a ride to his car until later in the day and I have to work 2-7. I try to be nice and give him some freedom, let him go help his friend move and hang w/the guys for a couple nights, and then I'm stuck in the real world w/the kids and finding a sitter so I can go to work. Guess there's really a chance this might be my life, but still. we havent made that decision yet and its bullshit that I'm always cleaning up his messes. anyway, he did feel really bad bc he knew he messed up by not checking in before leaving his car and I told him I would just have to call Mary again to come babysit if he wasnt gonna be home in time.
so, another quick back story to get to the addict part of the night: recently the hubby said he wants us to stop farming. He tells me this w/hardly any left and I'm not ready. gonna be dealing w/stopping cigs bc he doesnt know about them either. but I'm finally ready to quit those. I know its still a situational reason for me to stop, but at least I feel better about doing it. I want to now. So, I was looking forward to farming, especially over spring break.
So, since he was staying downriver an extra night, I asked if he'd be willing to get just a little bit more for us. And I was NOT trying to use it as a bribe, I was simply asking bc I wanted more. But, he took it as I was saying "hey, your off the hook if you can get me hooked up." When no, I didnt mean it that way. I was going to call Mary and cover his ass in case he wasnt home either way. It was a question, honest, simple question. I'm tired of him trying to change my lifestyle every other day when I feel he's the one who needs to make some changes!! GRR I'm working(for 4 more days), go to school full-time and have an online school program. PLUS, he still wants me to spend any free time w/the kids, clean house, do laundry, remember to pay bills, make phone calls, etc. What does he do then you might ask? If he expects so much from me, he must be pretty busy himself, right? NOPE. he's the stay-at-home Dad. he cleans up the house a little bit sometimes, never cleans a bathroom or the floors though, and the last time I saw him do laundry was only because I already started it and asked him to switch loads for me. He plays w/the kids. thats what he does. and even then if he's having a bad day, so is everyone else. He doesnt work, he doesnt go to school, he doesnt do side projects that keep him busy, no, he's a gamer who's addicted. who has PTSD and cant sleep half the time, who has anger management problems and apparently thinks I have a problem.
So, I called Mary and asked her about watching the kids and she of course said she could do it, but then I jokingly was like, hey he's gonna get me some farm stuff in return for me having to get a sitter bc he's not responsible enough to make good decisions. and she called me an addict. the main reason it pissed me off was bc she's never made it seem like it was a problem before, and it didnt sound like she was joking. Although I was messed up (as I said earlier) so I might have misunderstood, but I doubt it. So, now I dont know if she's mad at me or not, but I'll end up seeing her today so I'll prolly explain the rest of it wasnt my idea to make it a bribe, he's the one who said it that way.
Then when I called hubby back and told him what she said and that it kinda upset me, he was like, well you might be, but we'll talk about that later. ok great thanks, that doesnt make me feel better ya know. So, I want to get it out there how I feel about farming, the reason I do it and why I dont think I'm an addict:
I dont farm all day long. I'm straight all day, I've been super good about keeping up w/my schoolwork, making time for my kids, spending time w/the hubby(when we're not fighting), and still farming at night. I'm gonna have a little more free time bc I'm no longer working in 4 days, I'm getting my shit together to try and make things better w/the hubby and I. I'm planning a workout schedule, a kids learning time w/mommy schedule on top of both schools still for when I'm done working(so starting next week). Some people come home and like to have a glass of wine every night, and nobody says shit to them. Well, farming is MY glass of wine. Its what I like to do to relax in the evening, after the kids go to bed, and after I've got my shit done for the day. I want to farm and relax. How, please explain, how that makes me an addict? is every person in the world who has a glass of wine or a beer on a nightly basis an alcoholic? does it mean they have a problem? I dont think so. I like to farm to relax, and on weekends or w/friends, I like to farm to have fun. Its that simple. I dont think I'm an addict, I just dont want to give up my glass of wine at night.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Enjoy!
so, another quick back story to get to the addict part of the night: recently the hubby said he wants us to stop farming. He tells me this w/hardly any left and I'm not ready. gonna be dealing w/stopping cigs bc he doesnt know about them either. but I'm finally ready to quit those. I know its still a situational reason for me to stop, but at least I feel better about doing it. I want to now. So, I was looking forward to farming, especially over spring break.
So, since he was staying downriver an extra night, I asked if he'd be willing to get just a little bit more for us. And I was NOT trying to use it as a bribe, I was simply asking bc I wanted more. But, he took it as I was saying "hey, your off the hook if you can get me hooked up." When no, I didnt mean it that way. I was going to call Mary and cover his ass in case he wasnt home either way. It was a question, honest, simple question. I'm tired of him trying to change my lifestyle every other day when I feel he's the one who needs to make some changes!! GRR I'm working(for 4 more days), go to school full-time and have an online school program. PLUS, he still wants me to spend any free time w/the kids, clean house, do laundry, remember to pay bills, make phone calls, etc. What does he do then you might ask? If he expects so much from me, he must be pretty busy himself, right? NOPE. he's the stay-at-home Dad. he cleans up the house a little bit sometimes, never cleans a bathroom or the floors though, and the last time I saw him do laundry was only because I already started it and asked him to switch loads for me. He plays w/the kids. thats what he does. and even then if he's having a bad day, so is everyone else. He doesnt work, he doesnt go to school, he doesnt do side projects that keep him busy, no, he's a gamer who's addicted. who has PTSD and cant sleep half the time, who has anger management problems and apparently thinks I have a problem.
So, I called Mary and asked her about watching the kids and she of course said she could do it, but then I jokingly was like, hey he's gonna get me some farm stuff in return for me having to get a sitter bc he's not responsible enough to make good decisions. and she called me an addict. the main reason it pissed me off was bc she's never made it seem like it was a problem before, and it didnt sound like she was joking. Although I was messed up (as I said earlier) so I might have misunderstood, but I doubt it. So, now I dont know if she's mad at me or not, but I'll end up seeing her today so I'll prolly explain the rest of it wasnt my idea to make it a bribe, he's the one who said it that way.
Then when I called hubby back and told him what she said and that it kinda upset me, he was like, well you might be, but we'll talk about that later. ok great thanks, that doesnt make me feel better ya know. So, I want to get it out there how I feel about farming, the reason I do it and why I dont think I'm an addict:
I dont farm all day long. I'm straight all day, I've been super good about keeping up w/my schoolwork, making time for my kids, spending time w/the hubby(when we're not fighting), and still farming at night. I'm gonna have a little more free time bc I'm no longer working in 4 days, I'm getting my shit together to try and make things better w/the hubby and I. I'm planning a workout schedule, a kids learning time w/mommy schedule on top of both schools still for when I'm done working(so starting next week). Some people come home and like to have a glass of wine every night, and nobody says shit to them. Well, farming is MY glass of wine. Its what I like to do to relax in the evening, after the kids go to bed, and after I've got my shit done for the day. I want to farm and relax. How, please explain, how that makes me an addict? is every person in the world who has a glass of wine or a beer on a nightly basis an alcoholic? does it mean they have a problem? I dont think so. I like to farm to relax, and on weekends or w/friends, I like to farm to have fun. Its that simple. I dont think I'm an addict, I just dont want to give up my glass of wine at night.
Thanks for listening to my rant. Enjoy!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
just thoughts...
I seriously need to do some thinking. I cant even understand my own feelings lately. My mood swings are so out of whack. I think I"m depressed. I feel lonely, kinda scared about my future, sad about quitting my job, but happy about quitting my job at the same time. I'm afraid the pressure of the next year set in also. Just so much going on that its hard to keep everything straight. I actually want to see a doctor, but I have no insurance, so I cant. About a week or 2 ago I had a really scary thing happen while I was at work. I checked my symptoms online and I think I had a mini-stroke, possibly not my first one. I'm trying really hard not to dwell on it, but there could be side effects and I feel like something is wrong. but I keep telling myself that I'm just stressed and need to take a chill pill, not go see a doctor. lol
So, for now I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I have one week left of work and I"m really hoping that once I'm done I'll start to feel more like myself again. Well, thats banking on the fact that I get more time for myself and I can figure out who I am and what I want in life.
There are 3 things I'm sure of: I want to be happy. I want my Interior Design Degree. and I want to give my kids the world(or at least everything they need & I want their happiness). But the point is I dont know where Brian and I stand in it all. I feel like we are going 2 different directions, we dont connect anymore, and we have a hard time communicating in general. how is that a marriage? I really dont know what to do, who to talk to, what to say when I do talk to people, or what I want. I feel selfish if we dont stay together, and I want whats best for my kids. I've always been told that its always better for the parents to be together, right? well not so much anymore. Times have changed. I guess I'm just jealous of what my parents have, true love. they have been by each other's side through everything. no matter what they've worked through the hard things--together. Brian and I cant even do one project around the house w/out fighting, or drive more than 30 mins w/out him getting upset at something(the way I drive, or not getting him directions the way he wants me to). Its stupid little things that get in the way of our happiness. But then, its the little things that count, right? and if the little things in life suck, whats the point? move on, be happy? but is that really the best option? I'm so afraid to be alone the rest of my life. I'm afraid I wont trust anyone again. and then when I do, it'll be yet again the wrong choice.
Why does life have to be so complicated? I like someone's status I saw the other day: 'why doesnt life come with directions?' Its so true and I'm really feeling that way right now. well, getting yelled at about not spending time w/my child so I guess thats all for now...
So, for now I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I have one week left of work and I"m really hoping that once I'm done I'll start to feel more like myself again. Well, thats banking on the fact that I get more time for myself and I can figure out who I am and what I want in life.
There are 3 things I'm sure of: I want to be happy. I want my Interior Design Degree. and I want to give my kids the world(or at least everything they need & I want their happiness). But the point is I dont know where Brian and I stand in it all. I feel like we are going 2 different directions, we dont connect anymore, and we have a hard time communicating in general. how is that a marriage? I really dont know what to do, who to talk to, what to say when I do talk to people, or what I want. I feel selfish if we dont stay together, and I want whats best for my kids. I've always been told that its always better for the parents to be together, right? well not so much anymore. Times have changed. I guess I'm just jealous of what my parents have, true love. they have been by each other's side through everything. no matter what they've worked through the hard things--together. Brian and I cant even do one project around the house w/out fighting, or drive more than 30 mins w/out him getting upset at something(the way I drive, or not getting him directions the way he wants me to). Its stupid little things that get in the way of our happiness. But then, its the little things that count, right? and if the little things in life suck, whats the point? move on, be happy? but is that really the best option? I'm so afraid to be alone the rest of my life. I'm afraid I wont trust anyone again. and then when I do, it'll be yet again the wrong choice.
Why does life have to be so complicated? I like someone's status I saw the other day: 'why doesnt life come with directions?' Its so true and I'm really feeling that way right now. well, getting yelled at about not spending time w/my child so I guess thats all for now...
Monday, February 13, 2012
Birthday Eve
I'm so looking forward to my Birthday tomorrow! I dont have to work, but I have class at night 6-10. Which is fine because there are some gorgeous eyes in my class I'd like to see and I get to have my chat w/Danielle! lol After all, its the little things in life that count, right? Plus no work means I get to spend the day relaxing and see my kids! we may go sledding, but idk, I'm not real big on it, but the kids would love it! So we'll see. I want to visit the backroom, watch Twilight, eat my brownies, make cookies w/the kids and do some valentine art stuff. Plus I got the kids and Brian a little something for V-day so I'll give those in the morning too! I love that I make a big deal about birthdays. I feel like people take the day for granted, although I'll say this, my mom and hubby are the only ones allowed to wake me up at 6:20am and sing me happy and birthday! (that was the time I was born and my mom used to wake me up and do that!) I would laugh if she called at that time! In fact she's probably part of the reason I make a big deal out of my birthday, bc she always has. :)
So, I got a lot of homework done today, I'm ready for my presentation in class tomrrw night, which is rare, I'm usually finishing it up the day of! I'm caught up in CAD and started this weeks homework. and I started my take-home math test. pretty crazy, right? I get to take home my test! anyway, I do need to call my friend from that class, she wanted my help on a problem, I could prolly bounce a few things off her if I look at it a little more before calling her. Anyway I feel pretty good about my day. I even goofed off w/the kids for a little bit, helped them play w/the playdough. and work was fun. we were pretty slow but made our day and we were out early since we had time to cleanup between customers. Plus I havent worked w/Tiffany in awhile so we had a lot to chat about and she's really nice. I dont think I've talked that much to her since the first night I worked w/her. lol
Well, I'm gonna go see if the hubby wants to watch a movie to bring in my birthday with, then get some shut eye!!
So, I got a lot of homework done today, I'm ready for my presentation in class tomrrw night, which is rare, I'm usually finishing it up the day of! I'm caught up in CAD and started this weeks homework. and I started my take-home math test. pretty crazy, right? I get to take home my test! anyway, I do need to call my friend from that class, she wanted my help on a problem, I could prolly bounce a few things off her if I look at it a little more before calling her. Anyway I feel pretty good about my day. I even goofed off w/the kids for a little bit, helped them play w/the playdough. and work was fun. we were pretty slow but made our day and we were out early since we had time to cleanup between customers. Plus I havent worked w/Tiffany in awhile so we had a lot to chat about and she's really nice. I dont think I've talked that much to her since the first night I worked w/her. lol
Well, I'm gonna go see if the hubby wants to watch a movie to bring in my birthday with, then get some shut eye!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
The Party
Ok, Last night was.... So many different things Its hard to describe. I could look at the whole thing and be upset that hardly anyone showed up. but I'm not. I blame myself mostly anyway, I didnt get the invite out there in advance, not anything official anyway. Danielle had a perfectly good reason for not being able to make it, so she better not feel bad! lol And I'm not upset that Nikki couldnt make it, I'm kinda afraid she's a party girl and I dont need to influence a younger adult than myself. She's got enough on her plate as it is. I didnt however expect last night to go the way it did.
Party Prep: Brian took the kids down to his parents friday night while I was at work. His parents offered to take them to Portage to see their cousins w/them on Sat so we were kid free last night. :) Which also meant that he stayed down at his friend's place "The Cave." lol I had the house to myself when I got home from work. I got organizing done before bed. It made yesterday a lot easier to get through the day. Brian didnt get home until about 3pm. I was about to be getting up from my nap at the time. But that meant I had the whole day to myself to get ready for the party. Most people would hate having to do all the work themselves, but it also gave me the time to get pumped up, feel accomplished and be alone. No fighting, just me hanging out, cleaning. I did a lot of work, but I took my time, played MY music and enjoyed it.
Luckily when brian did get home, he was a big help! Helped w/decor stuff and whatnot. Another good thing that came from this party: I got a lot of little cleaning projects done that have been needing it! lol the basement is in much better condition, and the upstairs actually still looks pretty good. I still have many little projects I'd like to do, but my time is coming! only 2 more weeks of working. (side note: I think I need to write an official letter of resignation? my boss said something about it. now I need to look like an idiot and ask him.) So anyway, things were going good w/Brian before people got here so that was nice. The Burgs got here around 6-6:30 I think. maybe it was closer to 7, but I'm not sure. anyway... the fun begins!
First Arrival: Ahh the Selburgs. I heart them. when we're all in good moods and not tired we have a blast. no-matter what we do. somehow, we just always enjoy our time. So I decided I wanted to get started for the party and so we went to the backroom. I also had to finish my hair. I looked really cute last night but didnt take any pictures of myself. I only took 4 photos at all actually. and we should have taken more.
So we started just our usual, backroom, music, talk, goof-off for a little bit, I'm getting food stuff around also. I knew the only person I was waiting for was Mary and her bf Matt. well she finally txt saying that they would be there around 8:45pm. ok, a little late, but I knew they had other plans earlier in the evening. So we start playing kinect. always a good time, kinect. lol
It was about 9:30 when Mary showed up. Just Mary, Matt missed out. we played Twister, more backroom fun, then I pulled out what ended up being one of the most epic games ever! we all had a blast, we were laughing our asses off and didnt stop playing until Mary left around 1am...
Now, if the Selburgs didnt have to get up early we would have stayed up and continued to have fun, but it was bedtime so we hit the hay. but I still got .up at like 7:30am to make them breakfast before they had to go. yes, even after gourding ourselves last night. Anyway, I was on cloud nine last night, this morning, and mostly just feeling the need too rest now. lol I drove down to get the kids and ended up over at the Burgs for the rest of the afternoon/into the evening. Just me and the kids, Brian stayed home. so it was a relaxing day today too.
Well, thats enough about my awesome weekend and wondering still how I got so lucky to have a everything fall into place last minute!
Party Prep: Brian took the kids down to his parents friday night while I was at work. His parents offered to take them to Portage to see their cousins w/them on Sat so we were kid free last night. :) Which also meant that he stayed down at his friend's place "The Cave." lol I had the house to myself when I got home from work. I got organizing done before bed. It made yesterday a lot easier to get through the day. Brian didnt get home until about 3pm. I was about to be getting up from my nap at the time. But that meant I had the whole day to myself to get ready for the party. Most people would hate having to do all the work themselves, but it also gave me the time to get pumped up, feel accomplished and be alone. No fighting, just me hanging out, cleaning. I did a lot of work, but I took my time, played MY music and enjoyed it.
Luckily when brian did get home, he was a big help! Helped w/decor stuff and whatnot. Another good thing that came from this party: I got a lot of little cleaning projects done that have been needing it! lol the basement is in much better condition, and the upstairs actually still looks pretty good. I still have many little projects I'd like to do, but my time is coming! only 2 more weeks of working. (side note: I think I need to write an official letter of resignation? my boss said something about it. now I need to look like an idiot and ask him.) So anyway, things were going good w/Brian before people got here so that was nice. The Burgs got here around 6-6:30 I think. maybe it was closer to 7, but I'm not sure. anyway... the fun begins!
First Arrival: Ahh the Selburgs. I heart them. when we're all in good moods and not tired we have a blast. no-matter what we do. somehow, we just always enjoy our time. So I decided I wanted to get started for the party and so we went to the backroom. I also had to finish my hair. I looked really cute last night but didnt take any pictures of myself. I only took 4 photos at all actually. and we should have taken more.
So we started just our usual, backroom, music, talk, goof-off for a little bit, I'm getting food stuff around also. I knew the only person I was waiting for was Mary and her bf Matt. well she finally txt saying that they would be there around 8:45pm. ok, a little late, but I knew they had other plans earlier in the evening. So we start playing kinect. always a good time, kinect. lol
It was about 9:30 when Mary showed up. Just Mary, Matt missed out. we played Twister, more backroom fun, then I pulled out what ended up being one of the most epic games ever! we all had a blast, we were laughing our asses off and didnt stop playing until Mary left around 1am...
Now, if the Selburgs didnt have to get up early we would have stayed up and continued to have fun, but it was bedtime so we hit the hay. but I still got .up at like 7:30am to make them breakfast before they had to go. yes, even after gourding ourselves last night. Anyway, I was on cloud nine last night, this morning, and mostly just feeling the need too rest now. lol I drove down to get the kids and ended up over at the Burgs for the rest of the afternoon/into the evening. Just me and the kids, Brian stayed home. so it was a relaxing day today too.
Well, thats enough about my awesome weekend and wondering still how I got so lucky to have a everything fall into place last minute!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Day of my Party!
So, today is the day I am getting my friends together to celebrate me turning 25. Actual birthday is this coming Tuesday. Its a scary feeling turning 25. I'm a quarter of a century old after all... lol I have a lot on my "last min to do list" but I am lucky enough to have the house to myself last night and no kids at all today! Hubby was able to take them to his parents last night and he stayed the night w/his buddy. Not sure what time he'll be home today, but since the roads got bad overnight, I dont expect him till later in the day. Which is fine, means less of a chance for another fight before the party and hopefully we can have some fun tonight!!
I know it prolly sounds weird that I would rather get the party ready myself and have him out for the night, most people would want their man helping w/the last minute cleaning/decorating and all that. but when we do big projects, or try to work together on something it tends to blow up in our faces. He always ends up mad, usually calling me stupid at some point, and we dont get to enjoy the time.
So, I am in a good place as far as what I got done last night, but I do still have a lot to get done, so I am gonna go get to it! :)
I know it prolly sounds weird that I would rather get the party ready myself and have him out for the night, most people would want their man helping w/the last minute cleaning/decorating and all that. but when we do big projects, or try to work together on something it tends to blow up in our faces. He always ends up mad, usually calling me stupid at some point, and we dont get to enjoy the time.
So, I am in a good place as far as what I got done last night, but I do still have a lot to get done, so I am gonna go get to it! :)
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